2021 In The Rear View Mirror: A Horror Movie for the Ages
We're giving out Lookies! For? The unsung, dubious, and downright damnable.
“Knock knock!”
“Who’s there?” My mother and my stepfather were the very souls of patience. I was eight years old.
“Apple.”
“Apple who?” They waited, faces frozen in a rictus of expected merriment.
“Apples and ORANGES! Hahahahaha….” I laughed my ass off. Partly because of the looks of confusion they now shared, the looks that suggested a possible trip to some sort of early childhood development specialist. And mostly because my understanding of the joke calculus played out as it had.
Someone says something. Then adds to that something. And then reveals to the assemblage of onlookers/listeners that it was LAFF RIOT time, which is immediately followed by a LAFF RIOT.
Rightttt…
But it’s within this spirit that we offer the very first annual LOOKIES, named after this very same substack. Awards for all and sundry with only one guarantee: someone’s feelings are going to be hurt.
HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU DON’T GO AWAY AWARD
And it’s a tie!!! Between Will Smith and Jada, anyone Kardashian and the Kardashian adjacent artist formerly known as Kanye West: their dogged determination to leave no stone unturned in mining every ounce of their personal agita for unclear professional gains while weirdly admirable, makes me hate the Internet, eyes, and any delivery vehicle that brings their dreary dribbles to my hated and reddened eyes.
“Well if you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it…” detractors say. Reading it is not the issue. Seeing it is. It can not be not seen and once seen can’t be unseen. You ever think of Will Smith’s nuts before? Well, YOU HAVE NOW! Welcome to Hell!
WE SEE DEAD PEOPLE AWARD
“You know the LAST time we went in that bear’s cave, we almost got mauled to death. Perhaps THIS time we will not get mauled to death. It’s worth a try don’t you think?”
The Democratic Party seems to think so despite one of the standing definitions of insanity being the doing of the same thing, over and over, and expecting wildly differing outcomes.
Has Trump taught us nothing? Apparently not. And this from someone who voted for Biden TWICE. He dithers, he dances the dithyramb, he’s remembering his disco days, he’s hitting on my wife (another story for another time), and he’s hoping to meet the opposition in the middle. Only the middle has been napalmed and no Republican with any political savvy is stepping foot there.
So what are Biden and other establishment Democrats waiting for? Let’s ask them when they get back from the bear’s cave.
PARKING TICKET? JAIL! OVERTHROW DEMOCRACY? BLOW ME! AWARD
The whining, keening, complaining, breathless indignation, eyebrow raised aggrieved know-nothingism of 2021 perfectly embodies the Trumpian ethos of The Blow Me! Award.
Want to watch it all burn? This is the place to watch it all burn!
A messy melange of absent fathering, penile failings (which fuels a lot of racial weirdness) and we’ll-show-you pouting not only drove the January 6th, 2021 imbroglio but is now the Republican Party’s entire ethos. Embodied by The Mostest Donald Trump.
So the winner here? Trump and Toadies of Trump.
“Nothing we hate more than Yes Men, isn’t that right fellas?!?!”
“Yes, sir!”
And if you hated the first act? Wait for the 2024 encore.
THE MOST IRREDEEMABLY SHITTY ATHLETE OF THE YEAR AWARD…
Rape. Assault. Sexual assault and indecent exposure. Robbery. Attacking Machine Gun Kelly. Attacking buses. Phones. Threatening to attack opponents wives and children. And the pièce de résistance: dancing on a table in Ibiza with a cardboard cut out OF his face ON his face.
Mike Tyson in his prime? Jon Bones Jones right now? Benjamin “Bathroom Rapey” Roethlisberger?
Amateurs when measured up against CONOR MCGREGOR, that irrepressible Irish cut-up that UFC bald head Dana White describes as “special”.
Especially when you consider that he’s actually only won ONE fight in the last five years. Can you ever imagine only successfully doing your job ONCE in the last half a decade? Never mind with sex and assault charges trailing behind you.
He is indeed…special. And so gets the 2021 LOOKIE.
END NOTE
We’re accepting reader offered designs for the actual awards which, based on our current pool of submissions, all look like dildos.
Please, people, try to take this seriously. This is a family fucking publication!
Holy Moses, Eugene! You made me look up a *new* word!! Despite the glee which fills me when I have to do that, and my desire to repay in kind, I'm afraid I must admit that I cannot possibly come up with any entrants to the above categories that would even remotely outshine yours. You nailed 'em, my friend!