Darling Nikki Haley: Could She Be the One?
She's on the campaign trail denying claims she's cheated on her husband, twice, but inquiring minds want to know: why bother?
Samantha 38G is a colossus. A plus-size porn star who’s never made a big deal about being a plus-size porn star she just…is. Which if you’ve ever met a porn star — that is, people from the planet Earth who make their living letting you all see them screw — you know how rare that is. Top flight earners in the field were the first ones I knew (during a career I had that saw stops at Hustler, Busty Beauties, and the ill-named Barely Legal) that had gotten Botox, taken Viagra and got liposuction. And if we’re talking about the men we could also throw in steroids
They trained/prepared for their jobs like athletes and if you’ve ever watched a minute of amateur porn, though credit where credit is due for that real factor, you’ve appreciated their efforts even more (I mean some things are really better left to professionals). But Samantha? She is as she is and damn the torpedoes, Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig.
So then it should be no surprise that the Floridian, during an interview with the now-defunct SkullGame, busted out with a total surprising revelation: she was, and had always been, a lifelong Republican.
The same Republicans who commissioned Meese to do a report with an eye toward supporting a total ban on porn? The same Republicans who thought that AIDS was G-d’s judgment for fucking?
And there it was, presented in a way, shape and form that finally made sense to me. Sex and transgression go together a lot better than sex and no transgression.
“Yes,” she said during an interview at a Radisson Hotel in San Francisco during an appearance tour.
How did that make any kind of sense at all?
“They’re good for business.”
And there it was, presented in a way, shape and form that finally made sense to me. Sex and transgression go together a lot better than sex and no transgression. Even if in the early days of the modern era of porn a lot of participants were flower children who thought there was nothing shameful and not beautiful about the human body, the commodification of it was successful for exactly the opposite reasons.
Shame and guilt were the twin engines of what made sex so exciting for many — courtesy of the church and its morality — and if everything is OK why bother doing any of that OK stuff?
That it was a Republican that got me to notice that was shocking enough, to get the Republican Party to back it up with sex scandal after sex scandal, most of them gay leaning, was terra perfecta. Yes, Democrats have sex scandals too but their sex scandals, without the prior heaving indignation on any and all issues somatic or sexual, lacks the same frisson.
So when rape, threesomes and anti-LGBTQ rhetoric take down a GOP power couple? Or when handjobs are handed out like candy during a live theater event by Lauren Boebert? When a colleague she accused of having an extramarital affair called Marjorie Taylor Greene a “two-bit whore” for presumably getting busy with men at her gym, leading to her divorce, it was finally time to admit: the Republicans, Hunter Biden notwithstanding, are fucking crazy. Emphasis on FUCKING.
Unsure of how much of a factor Jeffrey Epstein guest lister Donald Trump had to do with the party’s changing mores. All we know is that they are in a prime position to do that of which I have always dreamed. That is: go full-on unrepentant. Delivering a podium gripping, full-voiced riposte of… “Soooo…you got me!”
Whether or not she did or did not show up in hotel rooms for hot, sexy assignations as reported, either while claiming to be “working late” or being “stuck in traffic” is almost enough to make me forget that she’s forgotten what the Civil War was about.
Then, go full Jesus on the assembled and ask after precisely who they are to judge? Or better yet: “And?!?!”
This came to head this week in light of recent accusations that Nikki Haley, former governor of South Carolina, the 29th United States ambassador to the United Nations and now presidential campaigner running against Trump for the party nod/nom may, or may not, have had two extramarital affairs.
The subsequent two-step is familiar. A denial, an attempt to divert/distract, and then a shift to talking about “the real issues.”
Yawn.
Whether or not she did or did not show up in hotel rooms for hot, sexy assignations as reported, either while claiming to be “working late” or being “stuck in traffic” is almost enough to make me forget that she’s forgotten what the Civil War was about. Or her slavish devotion to Trump (editor’s note: foreshadowing), the man she’s running against while praising him for inspiring her run.
But the erotic thrill of the librarian, A-student, high achiever going rogue and slipping off to the No Tell Motel makes me happy that the story hit the hustings. Where it came from, and how it came to be there? Well, smells like Trump to me, but it was precisely him at least philosophically because no one plays with the “So What?” as well as Trump does. And perhaps he did so because he knew precisely that Haley would not bust loose with the So What?
Marking her, really, as what she was/is: a pointy headed intellectual play acting at being a person of the people. I mean where was her name on the Epstein manifest? Or the multiple divorces, or dates with porn stars and is this really just a generational gender take down where she’s being singled out on account of being MILFuckable?
I don’t know but I’m sure that the moment I am hoping for will fade into the colorlessness of politics as usual, creating an opening for Trump who does politics as unusual, and all we’ll be left with is the shame and guilt with none of the fun. Until then though I will indulge in imagining her guilt-laden trips to loadsville and back home, like generations of male politicians before her.
Home where she drafts policy pronouncements, listens to her husband talk about his day and then, shame-fueled, shakes it off long enough to go out and do it again. With brio.
I’d add that the bifurcation that marks the real person from the person that’s just acting real is at the source of all of our modern malaise because we fail to believe that we could really be loved as we are. Or maybe it’s as another sex worker friend once told me: those who don’t know me? They like me. Those that know me? They don’t like me.
Typical. Give me the real fake over the fake fake any day of the week.
But now if you excuse me I have to go. Nikki Haley’s giving an interview in a hotel lobby. With a magazine. And I need to watch little Nikki grind. In New Hampshire next. So, come back, Nikki, come back! Your dirty little Prince wants to grind.
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