I wish I could "like" this about a hundred times, or so. I, too, am one of those mothers, daughters, friends, sisters that ended up being assaulted sexually - more than once - and whose attackers did not face any consequences for said actions. At 67, I'm not sure it'll change in my lifetime, but I am encouraged by writing like this. Thank you.
1) College: My one 98lb friend, J, became fall-out drunk at a party we were both attending. I tried to walk her out, but wound up having to fireman-carry her. On the way out, a fellow Resident Assistant (!!!) said “Damn man, you like it like that!?” I was like “Huh?” and he waved me off, shrugging “That’s okay, my brother is like that.” It took probably a full minute before I understood what he thought he was condoning.
2) College: My other 98lb friend, A, stole my vodka bottle one night, after a bad breakup, and left a note “I’m going out.” I frantically made my way into almost every frat house, finally finding her at an off-campus party, with some rando with his hands all over her on the dance floor while she was staggering, listless, with her eyes half-open. I walked right up and got in his face, and rather than the confrontation I expected, he just shrugged, smirked like a bad kid, and walked away like “Damn…so close…!”
3) At age 29, I got engaged, and announced it at work. I temp who I’d previously flirted with later caught me alone in my office, closed the door, and propositioned me - very graphically. Granted, she was hot, but I was still floating on my new engagement, and I also knew she was damaged goods. I told her no, but she kept going. As the minutes passed, it was all fun and games…until I began to realize that, with the door closed, she could later paint this picture the opposite way. So I got up, and she barred the door. I said something flattering and disarming, pushed past her with minimal contact, opened the door, and told her I was busy and to stop playing and get out. Okay, It was over, and my only lasting emotion was irritation. But looking back, I realized - had she been a man barring my door, and me a woman…I couldn’t have laughed it off, knowing the whole time I was fundamentally in no physical danger, and able end this exchange at will. That sh*t would have been TERRIFYING!! Even as it was, I was afraid to tell my fiancee for like a year, because I thought she would accuse ME, either because the woman was hot, or because I’d once flirted with her - by that time, MONTHS ago. Again - imagine how a woman would have felt in that same situation…
This stuff that goes on is a daily operation (shout out to Gang Starr), and it shouldn’t take a ton of life experience, morality, or imagination to figure it out.
Exactly. But we get silo'd and forget. Or let me correct that: I'm 220 pounds at 6'1. It's EASY for me TO forget. But when I look at my 17 month old daughter and think about those statistics, it's enough for me to start murdering the world just on GP.
It's a hell of a selfish thing to say, but when I found out 18 years ago I was having a son, I was SO relieved. My thought was "Teaching *him* to be a good person is 75% of the battle." I had been terrified to have a daughter, because I thought "Teaching *her* to be a good person is only 25% of the battle..." It may sound a bit sexist to imply that women have less agency in this world, but when it comes to physical confrontations, the vast majority of women are at a disadvantage.
Good for you that your daughters are trained. And good for me that my sister is crazy enough to swing a crowbar. It's all about communicating the cost of doing business.
well I never wanted sons. But yeah....despite all the training it's still hard to prepare your kids for the emotional aspects of being faced with someone who really wants to HURT you. Even folks who have trained, or maybe especially them, know it's a very different thing fighting with someone who is specifically there to cause you serious harm. They might succeed but the shock is not physical...it's weirdly emotional.
I wish I could "like" this about a hundred times, or so. I, too, am one of those mothers, daughters, friends, sisters that ended up being assaulted sexually - more than once - and whose attackers did not face any consequences for said actions. At 67, I'm not sure it'll change in my lifetime, but I am encouraged by writing like this. Thank you.
Thank YOU for commenting. And yeah: this planet.....damn it...
I had three eye-opening incidents:
1) College: My one 98lb friend, J, became fall-out drunk at a party we were both attending. I tried to walk her out, but wound up having to fireman-carry her. On the way out, a fellow Resident Assistant (!!!) said “Damn man, you like it like that!?” I was like “Huh?” and he waved me off, shrugging “That’s okay, my brother is like that.” It took probably a full minute before I understood what he thought he was condoning.
2) College: My other 98lb friend, A, stole my vodka bottle one night, after a bad breakup, and left a note “I’m going out.” I frantically made my way into almost every frat house, finally finding her at an off-campus party, with some rando with his hands all over her on the dance floor while she was staggering, listless, with her eyes half-open. I walked right up and got in his face, and rather than the confrontation I expected, he just shrugged, smirked like a bad kid, and walked away like “Damn…so close…!”
3) At age 29, I got engaged, and announced it at work. I temp who I’d previously flirted with later caught me alone in my office, closed the door, and propositioned me - very graphically. Granted, she was hot, but I was still floating on my new engagement, and I also knew she was damaged goods. I told her no, but she kept going. As the minutes passed, it was all fun and games…until I began to realize that, with the door closed, she could later paint this picture the opposite way. So I got up, and she barred the door. I said something flattering and disarming, pushed past her with minimal contact, opened the door, and told her I was busy and to stop playing and get out. Okay, It was over, and my only lasting emotion was irritation. But looking back, I realized - had she been a man barring my door, and me a woman…I couldn’t have laughed it off, knowing the whole time I was fundamentally in no physical danger, and able end this exchange at will. That sh*t would have been TERRIFYING!! Even as it was, I was afraid to tell my fiancee for like a year, because I thought she would accuse ME, either because the woman was hot, or because I’d once flirted with her - by that time, MONTHS ago. Again - imagine how a woman would have felt in that same situation…
This stuff that goes on is a daily operation (shout out to Gang Starr), and it shouldn’t take a ton of life experience, morality, or imagination to figure it out.
Exactly. But we get silo'd and forget. Or let me correct that: I'm 220 pounds at 6'1. It's EASY for me TO forget. But when I look at my 17 month old daughter and think about those statistics, it's enough for me to start murdering the world just on GP.
It's a hell of a selfish thing to say, but when I found out 18 years ago I was having a son, I was SO relieved. My thought was "Teaching *him* to be a good person is 75% of the battle." I had been terrified to have a daughter, because I thought "Teaching *her* to be a good person is only 25% of the battle..." It may sound a bit sexist to imply that women have less agency in this world, but when it comes to physical confrontations, the vast majority of women are at a disadvantage.
Good for you that your daughters are trained. And good for me that my sister is crazy enough to swing a crowbar. It's all about communicating the cost of doing business.
well I never wanted sons. But yeah....despite all the training it's still hard to prepare your kids for the emotional aspects of being faced with someone who really wants to HURT you. Even folks who have trained, or maybe especially them, know it's a very different thing fighting with someone who is specifically there to cause you serious harm. They might succeed but the shock is not physical...it's weirdly emotional.