2024: Dissolution Resolutions
Making it through next year with the same sort of louche angle of attack that we made it through last year with? Why, yes, thank you.
He was outraged.
“How dare they!”
He had adopted the name Harry Ho. The last name was really his but his first name marked him as what he was: a Chinese Malaysian. So he had altered it. As much to avoid bill collectors as to give Americans something that they could pronounce. But he had burst through the door like some Asian Kramer and like post-racist outburst Kramer, he was livid.
“Who, they?”
Shaking his head he explained that he had been driving behind someone in Palo Alto, the seat of a very particular kind of Silicon Valley-ism, and was having a fine day. Right up to when he glanced down at a bumper sticker on the luxury vehicle in front of him.
It said, apparently, Runners 4 World Peace! Or was it Runners Against World Hunger?
In other words it’s not so much to have a better year than it is that your enemies have a year that is much, much worse.
“How dare they fold some bourgeois pastime like jogging into very real life and death struggles…which is the state of being for most of the rest of the world.” He wandered off muttering to me, laughing. That is, my laughter. I mean given the fact that I couldn’t be arsed to care about running, world peace OR world hunger it seemed a perfect end to an imperfect sentence.
So it goes. For First Worlders there’s nothing but the First World and First World concerns. Which soundly sits on the shoulders of most of our bullshit resolutions. Because after all, you really are too fat. Right? From all of that food that you believe you need to eat less of. You really need to exercise more too, right? Maybe jogging? Yes? This will help. You, mostly, but still. Or, and this one has lots of energy in my house, making more money! Because who among us doesn’t want/need more money?
G-d save us from ordinary thinkers.
So…..in the spirit of whatever happens out in left field, our left field take on how to have a 2024 that while no worse than your 2023, will place you outside of such outmoded binary thinking. In other words it’s not so much to have a better year than it is that your enemies have a year that is much, much worse.
Which is what we’re good for here at LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. Forthwith our
2024 Fuck You Guide 4 World Peace Against World Hunger!
IN SPEECH
The internet has befouled us. In ways that are truly lamentable. Unhinged from real world considerations tied to reckless talk (see: face punching), we have grown accustomed to saying damned well whatever we feel like. Without fear of retaliation. And in light of that we still only half step. If you don’t fear real world consequence, is the best you can do some variation of “you suck”? Which is why 2024 should see you endeavor to go full spectrum.
Ask women who you know are not pregnant, if they are pregnant. Ask men who are not gay, how long they have been gay. If they are gay, suggest that it’s a good time to be gay, it being so trendy and all.
Extra added Resolution Points for going geopolitical as well. The Russians are misunderstood. Like Hitler. The problem with the Middle East would seemingly be its lack of tolerance for suicidal semitic death spiraling. And really, in regard to American politics, there are two sides to everything.
Finally when things get really heated? Switch up your bumper sticker and let all and sundry know that nothing gets solved by screaming at each other online and have they seen the newest, hilarious dancing cat video?
IN WORD
Did I HAVE to mention the size of Rollins’ penis in my memoir? And, presuming for a second that it was really totally necessary, did I have to quote Lydia Lunch describing it as “small”?
I did not.
Only I totally did.
On the one hand men are entirely too precious about the size of their penises, so call this a strike against perceptions that a large one is somehow needed or necessary. Or, understand that by using the word “penis” and “small” as often as I have even just now, I’m just trying to jiu jitsu my way to finding yet another way of saying Fuck You. An admirable effort that for sure should be your 2024 North Star.
And yeah, like it’s become popular to say, words hurt. Which is precisely why they should be weaponized to do so, especially whereas dumbasses are concerned.
Now I’m not saying that Rollins is a dumbass, but by saying that he’s not a dumbass I am setting up your brain to embrace both “Rollins” and “dumbass”. Do I dislike Rollins? No I do not. I dislike Jack Black. Though I, in fact, have no idea how small his penis is.
See how that works? So let’s all resolve to make 2024 as chippy as possible. In emails, texts, blogs and comments. I, myself, am going to go in DEEP on TikTok this year. This on top of The Eugene S. Robinson Show Stomper should allow me to achieve the requisite take off level of friendship destroying content from year start to year’s most bitter of ends.
IN DEED
Some people like to use drugs to pre-excuse behavior they’ve been led to believe is substandard. Some people have realized that drugs are not excuses, they’re reasons. We just think that drugs are a way to pre-stir a pot of job loss, car wrecks, and divorce and as such, should be respected for the awesome power they bring to the most average of human interactions.
Cop: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
You: “Because you were looking for your Mom? Again?”
Later in court when your drug tests come back dirty you shrug, smile and nod because these are the things said in 2024 when you’re tits up on whatever drug fentanyl has not already destroyed.
Now I’m not saying you should start doing drugs. But given the fact that I can’t imagine anyone here is even halfway sober, I’m just saying steel sharpens steel and well, just keep on doing what you’re doing.
Because this is precisely the kind of fuel necessary to get the world to take a swing at you, which is really why we’re all here today. Whether or not Trump the Vulgarian wins the election is much less important than that in the Age of Impolitesse we keep it up because there’s plenty of room in that handbasket we’re riding to hell.
I, myself, will be moving to Spain at the end of 2024, to a city that’s known as being one of the friendliest in Europe. A development I will endeavor to remedy via extended bouts of horn honking and practicing my burgeoning interest in refashioning myself as a DJ. DJ ViceGrip to be exact. Late at night. Loudly.
I also have discovered a late in life interest in calling the cops on people with dogs off the leash in public parks. All of which will play well in 2024 since if you can’t beat them, it’s really true, you must consider joining them.
AND FINALLY…
1] I will punch fewer faces this year. Unless you’re really asking for it. By giving me lip. Or the stink eye. Then…well I resolve to embrace more teachable moments.
2] I will spend less money this year. On charity. And things I could just as easily steal.
3] High moral crimes and misdemeanors? Steady as she goes.
4] I will make more money this year. On an OnlyFans page. You think you’ve seen the last of my penis? THINK AGAIN. And…
5] I will continue aiming to disappoint.
Thanks for reading.
Now think about upgrading your free subscription to a paid one for 2024. Fuckers.
To quote Daniel Stern in the movie City Slickers -
"If hate were people...... I'd be CHINA."
Happy New Year, Eugene!
I learned a new word: "louche". Yeah! It rhymes with "douche" , a much-maligned word.
Which reminds me: if you call me a "pussy", I will readily agree. I'm a hairy, flexible, resilient one
that has NOT been grabbed by The Orange KFC Clown. And, nod to douche, a clean one.
Anyway...carry on!